2017

For me 2017 has been a year in the words of Keats a season of mist and mellow fruitfulness. A year of rejuvenation and condensed learning achieved via detoxification thanks to bitter gourd juice that was offered to me in this year. A year where I reinvented myself after coming out of a toxic relationship of seven years. A year where I kissed goodbye to friends who smelled business from my vulnerability. A year where I bid farewell to women who always lament about men from a myopic , sadist viewpoint and who want to get married rather than marrying themselves first by healing themselves from the ghosts of their childhood and other tumultuous experiences. A year where I embraced and opened my heart to new hobbies, verve, creation , new people who are creatively engaged ,genuinely know how to be happy  and flash a smile even when they are facing a storm within and giving up seems the most convenient option. A year where I cleared the dust to get back to old friends who add depth to my life. Most importantly a year where I made peace with the fact that I have not come to this world to impress anyone  but to dazzle myself with my crudity, my innate nature of being raw, outspoken and following my life purpose religiously.

Somewhere down the line I always knew that my life is precious but still committed the mistake of being complacent rather than giving my full potential. I knew the importance of being intuitive but still did not take the courage to honor my intuitions and walk out of moribund and mediocrity. I did all this because I was trying to fit in rather than standing out. I did all these because I was hungering for acceptance rather than accepting myself the way I am. These practical but difficult learning of 2017 would not have happened if I did not commit mistakes, painful mistakes which bruised my hand , burnt my finger , scalded me and scarred me but in the end it is these mistakes that created fine gold out of me. So my dear friends I wish 2018 to be your year of severe mistakes , year of gratitude, year of self forgiveness and above all a year of reflection because mistakes are not meant to be regretted but are meant to be cherished only to learn something from them. Happy 2018.neil-gaiman-make-mistakes-1a9j

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Love and loss and their impact on my life

Loosing someone who bought me in this world at a tender age of 7 was something that impacted me a lot. It made me envious of all the children who had a mother to share their apprehensions, joys,secrets and the most coziest lap to rest their head. A major part of my growing up years went thinking of a single question ‘ Why me?’ Though I have accepted this fact of life and moved on ,her loss cannot be compensated in any way. I guess it is her absence and her sufferings that has given me the strength to be independent and deal with my problems on my own.

Loosing my childhood and the peace associated with it by growing up under the scrutiny of a strict patriarchal father instilled a sense of competitiveness and rebelliousness in me. I did not want to experience what my mother went through because of my father and I had promised myself that I will never marry a man like my father even if it meant going under the grind of being penniless. Thank God I did not have to experience such situation but yes I was brutally blunt during a major phase of my high school and early college days.

Growing up in such a situation makes you vulnerable to enter into a toxic relationship because somewhere in your subconscious mind the feeling of ignorance and neglect ,that you suffered during childhood, seems fine as you hope things will be fixed and will be fine.You face the phenomenon of Stockholm Syndrome as you cannot detach yourself from the tentacles of slow abuse even if you are financially independent because you hope against hope, but things don’t become all right unless one fine day you wake up from your slumber. I was one of those who woke after a slumber of 7 years in such a relationship.

After going through all these soul shattering experiences I have ensured one thing which is this time I won’t give up, no matter what. I seeked help from friends, books and took shelter in spiritual books and of course my students. Life could not have been more of a blessing to me because now I am more calm and mindful. This time I won’t allow my emotions to take a ride over me. I have grieved enough , released my judgement and now I am ready to celebrate the small beauty of life and embrace life with whatever bounties that it has to offer me.