Loosing someone who bought me in this world at a tender age of 7 was something that impacted me a lot. It made me envious of all the children who had a mother to share their apprehensions, joys,secrets and the most coziest lap to rest their head. A major part of my growing up years went thinking of a single question ‘ Why me?’ Though I have accepted this fact of life and moved on ,her loss cannot be compensated in any way. I guess it is her absence and her sufferings that has given me the strength to be independent and deal with my problems on my own.
Loosing my childhood and the peace associated with it by growing up under the scrutiny of a strict patriarchal father instilled a sense of competitiveness and rebelliousness in me. I did not want to experience what my mother went through because of my father and I had promised myself that I will never marry a man like my father even if it meant going under the grind of being penniless. Thank God I did not have to experience such situation but yes I was brutally blunt during a major phase of my high school and early college days.
Growing up in such a situation makes you vulnerable to enter into a toxic relationship because somewhere in your subconscious mind the feeling of ignorance and neglect ,that you suffered during childhood, seems fine as you hope things will be fixed and will be fine.You face the phenomenon of Stockholm Syndrome as you cannot detach yourself from the tentacles of slow abuse even if you are financially independent because you hope against hope, but things don’t become all right unless one fine day you wake up from your slumber. I was one of those who woke after a slumber of 7 years in such a relationship.
After going through all these soul shattering experiences I have ensured one thing which is this time I won’t give up, no matter what. I seeked help from friends, books and took shelter in spiritual books and of course my students. Life could not have been more of a blessing to me because now I am more calm and mindful. This time I won’t allow my emotions to take a ride over me. I have grieved enough , released my judgement and now I am ready to celebrate the small beauty of life and embrace life with whatever bounties that it has to offer me.